Friday, March 5, 2010

Guess what?

They have HANDS-ONLY CPR now. Finally, no more awkward and unsanitary life-saving makeout sessions with unattractive and/or same-sex strangers who just lie there and take it. The downside? No more hilarious movie scenes where a beautiful lifeguard gives a horny teenager mouth-to-mouth only to find that the horny teenager was pretending to drown just for the chance to "kiss" the beautiful lifeguard. Is it a good trade? You decide.

I'm not sure what happened to cause the CPR people to turn their backs on decades of CPR wisdom and offer this newly simplified version. Did they decide people are just too dumb to follow the complex instructions of yesteryear? Or have they been messing with us this whole time? Maybe a popular game among CPR people was collapsing in the middle of the street just for the amusement of watching citizens frantically try to remember the elaborate and precisely timed process of performing CPR? And then suddenly they'd grab their head and start kissing them? You decide.

Whereas old-school CPR involved multiple steps and different rythmic patterns, not to mention, if performing CPR on a woman, you had to strip her naked, bra included, in front of crowds of strangers who don't know what the hell you're doing, before you begin your sensual palpitations.

Now, they've boiled it down to 2 steps:

1. Call 911  (that's not really CPR, per se, but we'll let it go)
2. Push hard and fast in the center of the chest

No nude public molestation anywhere in there. It truly is a new era of modern, rape-free medicine!

So modern, in fact, that they even have an IPHONE APP for hands-only CPR. What does the app do? As far as I can tell, it displays the instructions for performing hands-only CPR, which are:

1. Call 911
2. Push hard and fast in the center of the chest

I'm not sure if someone who needs an iPhone app to remember those 2 steps should be attempting any kind of medical procedures whatsoever, but the important thing is...well, I'm not sure. I kinda lost my train of thought. What is this blog about?


No comments:

Post a Comment