Thursday, October 16, 2008

Desperate Candy Bars

Have you seen/heard these Kit Kat commercials?

This fairly mediocre chocolate-covered wafer bar is making a desperate bid to become an iconic snack staple by claiming to be the perfect companion for coffee.

The commercials involve people with annoying squeaky voices requesting Kit Kats with their coffee at various establishments, then acting outraged when they learn that the place doesn't offer Kit Kats. A guy tells a Donut Shop that it's "close minded" to sell Donuts and not Kit Kats. Girl tells a barista that they should replace their pastry case with a vending machine full of Kit Kats.

Really? Kit Kat, the B-list candy bar that no one actually eats and is only remembered because of a catchy jingle, is going up against DONUTS and PASTRIES for the hearts and minds of America's coffee drinkers?

I don't think I've ever seen a more desperate attempt for a product to force itself, uninvited, into the public imagination. I am inspired, and will now attempt to use the same strategy to promote my own products.


(Woman lying a sunny beach reading a book)

(Man with annoying squeaky voice approaches woman)

MAN: Hey there, what are you reading?

WOMAN: Oh, it's just "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

MAN: Oh really? That sounds lame, how come you're not reading "The Inside", by Isaac Marion?

WOMAN: Excuse me?

MAN: Haven't you heard? Nothing goes better with lying on the beach than an Isaac Marion novel!

WOMAN: Umm...

MAN: Mind if I sit on your back while I apply sunblock to my bikini area?


(Crowd is in the Sistine Chapel, admiring the ceiling.)

(Man with squeaky annoying voice walks in)

MAN (Shouting loudly, echoing in the large space): Hey! Where are all the Isaac Marion paintings?


MAN: But Isaac Marion paintings are perfect for walking around and looking at and taking pictures of! Christine's Chapel is STUPID!


(Woman is in bed drinking tea and listening to Beethoven)

(Man suddenly crashes in through her window and shoves a CD in her face)

MAN: Don't listen to THAT! Listen to ISAAC MARION'S MOON COLONY!

(Woman screams)

Is this working? Am I replacing long-established classics yet?


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